REALLY?

Ok, it's not very often I use my blog so rant, so here it goes!
Today, I hit my breaking point! I have realized that I've failed at many things and no, I'm not feeling sorry for myself, I'm more along the lines of pissed at myself for the poor choices I've made. I know life is a "live and learn" type of thing but there are so many things I had the chance to avoid but didn't. I'm also definitely a "the past is the past" type of person, but not when the past follows you like say... DEBT! Oh my goodness, the bills are OUTRAGEOUS! I can't seem to get caught up and I feel like I'm drowning. But who am I to complain? I mean, don't hundreds of thousands of American's deal with it daily? I don't care, they aren't me. I couldn't get a loan on a sack of rice if I tried, my credit is so screwed!

And my car... Lord have mercy on this car, I still need it! It only starts when it wants to, it shuts off in the middle of a left or right turn (YES! in the middle of intersections and on the freeway onramps!), and when you start it in the morning it pumps some serious gas fumes INTO the car for a good 20 minutes! It makes me SICK! The air condition only works 40% of the time, I'm absolutely gonna die this summer. Not good with a toddler in the back seat either. But can I get a loan for a new one or afford a down payment?? HELL NO!

And third... my career. Or lack there of actually. I am 22 years old. I graduated FIVE years ago. And where have I gone? Close to NO WHERE! I started Heald college right out of high school but that only lasted one semester until I moved suddenly WAY farther from my school than I would have liked. Suddenly I had rent and bills and NO JOB! So I quit school (with $3000 of student loans that I STILL haven't paid) and got a job at McDonald's. That lasted until I broke my ankle and ta-da I was fired. I moved around job to job, had a baby and stayed home a while, then I got the job I'm at now. I've been there a little over two years. I love what I do, I love working with the kids. BUT, because of the type of childcare I went into, there really are no opportunities for advancement. And recently, I'm starting to feel like I'm not in the right field. Maybe I just need a change of scenery, I don't know. But I don't have the drive, the desire or the want to get up and go to work anymore. I want to try something new, but I don't have that option at the moment. I feel very stuck.

I need to make changes in my life. BIG ones. I don't feel like the happy-go-lucky girl I was 5 years ago.. 3 years ago.. even last year. I want to help myself, but I'm worried so much about the impact on others that I'm scared to stand up for me. Terry joining the ARMY was a big part of this, and I know that us moving away affects those around us, and I'm sad that there will be people (mostly family) that will be sad after we leave, but it's time we do for US now. This is just the beginning. I am bound and determined to make whatever changes I need to so that we can go back to being a happy family. I don't like bringing stressers from the outside (bills, money, car, work, ect) home with me because it does impact my home life. I'm gonna make it go away, at least the best that I can.

Here's to our new life... Wish us luck.